


Uncertainty: Unspoken or Unrequited

by BalancingProbabilities



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Bisexuality, In The Army, Internalized Homophobia, Lack of Communication, M/M, Masculinity, Secret Relationship, Sherlock only appears at the end, Smut will be in one chapter, break-up, pre-ASiP, refusing to come out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-08 23:32:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1960353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BalancingProbabilities/pseuds/BalancingProbabilities
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Watson and James Sholto are serving at a base in Germany. They fall in love, and then they break up. The split changes who they are as individuals.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I have a feeling I would be able to accurately predict issues a creative writing workshop would have with the following piece. I think workshoppers would say my characterization of James, John, and their love for one another is weak. Yet, I kind of like the ambiguity; I intended to portray the relationship in this way because I suspect James would not communicate his feelings, leaving John uncertain about their relationship. I would love to hear opinions on this aspect of this story - or on any other aspect as well.
> 
> [Speaking of criticism: I would love to start a writers workshop group. Yet, I probably shouldn't commit to anything until I graduate college in August. Still, let me know if you're interested.]
> 
> Considering its style differs from the rest of the fic, this first chapter constitutes as the prologue.

John, Anne, and Lisa. James decided to end his relationship with John fifteen years ago, decided to split up with Anne five years ago, and was dumped by Lisa two years ago. He couldn't allow himself to love any of them anymore. Still, he almost constantly reflected on how they had all changed him. 

 

Even before he met John, he felt as if it would be best for him to expect to be single in his later years. Couples faught; though, at first, the fight were little, they would become personal. James simply did not have the patience to deal with that. After breaking up with both Anne and Lisa, he remembered why he liked to be alone. James would admit he wasn't perfect in his relationships, but Anne and Lisa did hurt him.

 

He didn't want to acknowledge it but he knew not all relationships were like his last two; it wasn't that way with John. It took him a long time to get over him and to forgive himself for pushing John away, but life never went well for him; he was accustomed to disappointment and loneliness.

 

There were still times when he would become angry with himself. "You're such a faggot," he thought. He didn't mean to be homophobic in thinking that; he accepted that he liked men. Yet, he felt weak for staying in the closet. If he came out, he wouldn't have needed to worry about what others thought about him. Ultimately, in refusing to come out, he pushed John away.


	2. Chapter 2

They were both serving in Germany when they met; James was 32, and met John was 25. Nothing had happened the first year they knew each other; they were just friends. 

 

Sometimes, he would see John look at him in a unique way. "Does he want me?" James asked himself. 

 

"No. Probably not. You wish." He was careful not to give him the look he believed he saw.

 

Then it happened one night. Drunk. 

 

He had sex with a few men before John, but he didn't particularly like kissing them; their razor stubble was too coarse. He liked kissing women. John did not have a soft face, but he liked kissing John. In an odd way, kissing John felt as if it was the most intimate thing he had done - even to this day. He couldn't tell you why it felt that way.

 

Neither wanted to cuddle; John was drunk and tired, and James felt trapped when cuddling. Though he was glad he got out of the post-coital activity, he wanted more. He stayed up for a few hours reminiscing about the sex as he tried to read a book.

 

###

 

When he woke up, it took him a few seconds to remember what happened the night before. He smiled as he thought about it; he couldn't wait to do it again. It was odd, but everything suddenly felt right in the world.

 

It only took him a minute to realize John may think it would be a mistake. His heart palpated. At that moment, he realized how he never felt this good before, but he acknowledge that, even if it never happened with John again, feelings were fleeting. "Thank god for that," he thought. In a way, he was desperate for more, scared of rejection, prepared to get shot down, and thankful he had such an intimate experience - even if it never happened again. All of these emotions put him on the edge of his seat as he prepared to see John at breakfast; it was adrenaline.

 

John was already in the cafeteria when James entered the hall. Their eyes met as John was in line for food. John smiled as he waved with an apple in one hand and his tray in the other. James smiled in a way no one had ever seen before. James thought back to the men he fucked before, and when he would smile at them, he would smile seductively; they had a secret and it was a good secret. But, as he saw John wave at him, he smiled differently. He was aware he was glowing. He wanted to glow a bit more. No one would notice if he revealed more of his feelings as he looked at John, but he was paranoid.

 

They sat at other ends of the table and acted as if nothing happened the night before. No one knew they were thinking about each other. It was their little secret, and it was exciting.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut chapter! Yay!

They didn't interact with each other until that night, when John knocked on his door.

 

"Come in," James said as he was lying on his back reading his book. 

 

John quietly closed the door he he walked over to James's bed. He sat on next to where he was laying and gave him a kiss hello. He then took James's book put it on the nightstand, and proceeded to straddle him.

 

The dry-humping made the kissing more intense. James wanted to memorize every inch of John's mouth and was a bit dissapointed when John broke the kiss to remove his shirt. 

 

He was glad when John's lips returned to his. When John put his hand down his pants, he was confused; he was hard and wanted to get off, but he wanted those lips.

 

James put his arms around John's neck. "Stay here," he said, softly. "I like kissing you." 

 

John gently pulled one of James's arms off of his back and proceeded to kiss him as he moved down to James's dick. John looked up at him as he started to tease James's cock with his tongue. James interlaced his fingers in John's hair as he went to work. His hair would be pulled harder and harder as he throated the cock deeper and deeper. John responded to this by going even deeper. James bit his lip to quiet his moans. John felt him start to release his tight grip on his hair as he came.

 

John made himself comfortable as he laid on James's side, propping himself up on his elbow, smiling. As he was returning to his normal state, they looked into each other's eyes. John giggled, and then planted a kiss on James's forehead. This made James smile even wider.

 

John rolled over to his back. "I'm glad we got drunk last night," he said.

 

"But you haven't had your turn."

 

James then straddled him, kissing him. After a minute, he could feel John was rock hard. James didn't even bother taking off John's shirt. Instead, John helped him as he removed his pants all the way. He then put John's legs over his shoulders as he went towards the asshole. Sensitive to the touch of James's tongue, he squirmed in pleasure as he moaned. James firmly grabbed his left thigh firmly, telling him not to move; "Just enjoy it," he communicated with his touch. John became harder as he dug his nails ever so lightly into his thighs.

 

James kept licking as he started to jerk John off with his other hand. His hand and tongue started moving in sync. John again began to squirm. James increased his rhythm even more. As John came, James put his lips around his dick and sucked.

 

James laid back next to John. Still recovering a bit, John asked, "Where did you learn that?".

 

"You know," he replied, "just around." His eyes shifted from side-to-side. Then, he smiled wider.

 

This made John snicker. "I would have never guessed; I just assumed -".

 

"Yeah - I'm mostly into women."

 

"Same here."


	4. Chapter 4

At first, their relationship was not one of a romantic nature. But slowly, it became something more. In the beginning, James was awkward after sex. John had suspicion. James was not the type to cuddle after sex with a man. Of course, John wasn't interested in cuddling, either. John thus left immediately after they both got off.

 

James would later ask John to stay after they finished, and they really got to know each other during these times. Despite the fact that such would become tradition after they fell for each other, they found random times during the day to get to know each other. 

 

Considering John originally saw James as an outlier (just as everyone did), it was interesting to get to know him on another level. James mostly kept to himself. At times, he was perceived by his underlings as an asshole; he was impatient when faced with a soldier's incompetence, but that was because his standards were high.

 

Lazier recruits would remark, "God - I wonder what his parents were like; they must have fucked him up."

 

John learned this was generally inaccurate. His family was very liberal and open minded. They allowed James to become who he wanted. Unless he had become a criminal or something of that sort, he would be accepted. 

 

His parents frequently affirmed his smarts. Appreciating this, he dedicated himself to his studies in order to maintain his reputation. The only time his parents expressed judgment was when they saw him express emotion. Emotion was unnecessary and interfered with performance. Though this criticism was minimal, he officially divorced himself from emotion - or at least displaying such - starting in his early teenage years. 

 

Ironically, this decision almost back-fired. While his peers were more into the politics of dating, friendship, and other interpersonal matters, he liked to see life objectively. In doing so, his unbiased viewpoints allowed him to formulate original ideas his teachers were impressed with. Yet, he was unable to relate to his classmates. Sure, he would try to make friends, but friends were fickle. He wondered if potential friends would back off from getting to know him even more once they realized how different he was.

 

He suppressed the emotion bore by his loneliness.

 

John was similar, but not totally the same. Like James, John appreciated calmness and objectivity. These who elements were very much absent from his childhood. His parents fought almost daily with his sister, Harry. She always rebelled against them, but when she was fifteen, her parents discovered she was gay. Soon thereafter, the alcoholism started and fueled intense hatred. Though his parents never worried about his sexual orientation, his parents were stricter with him; they did not want him to become like Harry. As a result of their strictness, John turned out to be the perfect son.

 

Unlike James, however, John liked some social interaction. John didn't go to his friends with his problems, but his friendships kept him from loneliness. He also knew people were fickle. Yet, John was able to maintain some meaningful friendships. Thankful they kept him from loneliness, he repaid them with undying loyalty.

 

James and John were thus almost perfect for each other; John admired James's quiet stability, and James admired John's loyalty.


	5. Chapter 5

But it ended quickly and without much discussion.

James and John decided to go off-base one night to a bar with some of the other guys. Almost all the others started to flirt with women. James and John decided to do so, too. They knew not to be jealous; if the other guys saw them flirt, their sexualities were less likely to be questioned. 

James was flirting with a woman a few of the guys believed to be "the hottest chick in the bar". James decided to ask for her number - just to keep up the act.

One of the other privates, Michael kept asking James if he called her. This went on for three days. James finally told him "I'm not going to call her."

"Why? Are you gay?", Michael asked. James shouldn't have been dumbfounded by this question; he was paranoid because he kind of believed it would eventually be asked, and that his underlings would find out about John, and his masculinity would be questioned.

James stared at him in anger as the two stared into each other's eyes. 

Michael finally realized why James was angry. "Oh," he said. 

That night, James broke the news to John. "I'm not sure if we can do this anymore," James said as he sat on his bed.

John stood with his hands on his hips. "Why?". James kept silent; he couldn't think about anything he could say. "Michael is not homophobic. His brother is gay. He knows it would be bad for us; he won't tell."

"Unless he wants to blackmail me. He blackmailed Smith before." James sighed. "Smith was sleeping with Pearson's wife. He threatened to tell Pearson if he didn't get a few weeks off." He took a deep breath. "You know he is only out for himself."

"But this case is different," John said. "He saw what his brother went through. We'll be safe."

"We don't know that for sure, John."

Enraged, he cocked his head. "He already knows; why can't we still do this?".

He replied, "Because he doesn't know about you; about us. It can bring you down, too."

"So what?".

James waited there for a good two minutes while James just looked down. John knew he wasn't going to say anything more, so he just left.

###

John went to James's room the next night.

"Why are you doing this?" John asked.

"Private, this is not an appropriate conversation."

"Why? Why not? No one else can hear us."

James looked down at the floor as he thought about what to say.

"If you need to sleep with her - because you want people to think you're straight - just do it." His voice started to crack. "I don't want to lose you."

"Private!"

Taking a deep breath, John allowed his outrage to repair his voice. "Is it because you're that afraid to be caught? Or is it because you don't care enough to risk getting caught?". James inhaled deeply. "Are you that insecure in your masculinity?".

He looked up. "Private, I told you this conversation is inappropriate." Intensity grew in his eyes. "You should leave before I decided to write you up."

John's face became stone. They both knew James was just using a scare tactic, but John couldn't believe him. After staring him down for ten seconds, he finallly left. Even though James saw John was leaving, the major jumped as the door was slammed shut.

For the next six months, James and James only talked when they needed to. John then went back home. Though James realized he would always regret breaking it off, he was glad John left; everytime they talked, John's eyes told him, "You don't even look the same anymore. Who are you?". James's eyes replied, "I'm sorry." No one noticed these glances, but James was paranoid.


	6. Chapter 6

They next saw each other five years later at an awards ceremony. When their eyes first met, they knew they missed each other, and they agreed to not show each other they were thinking about the past. There was no doubt that both men wished it worked out, but they just wanted to see each other look happy.

John was surprised when James pulled him into a hug. This was his apology. Of course, John appreciated the gesture, but as he saw a woman walk up to John's side, he knew it was too late.

"James, this is my girlfriend, Margaret." James and Magaret smiled at each other as they shook hands.

After a brief conversation, they exchanged emails. When he left the event that night, James was not sure his apology was accepted, but after John emailed him, he knew it was. Despite the fact these emails just updated each other on their lives, James was thankful he was forgiven.

They met up about once a year after that. John was dating someone almost each time they met, and nothing happened even if he was single. Still, each time they met, John seemed happier. There was no doubt John still respected James for everything he loved about him, and it seemed as if John was nicer each time; it was the distance and the passing of time that helped him heal. 

They met at a cafe by James's house about a month after Sherlock "returned from the dead".

John asked James how he was doing. James was doing well; he was lonely, but there was no news.

And how was John? "Well, I'm getting married," he said.

"To Sherlock?" James asked.

John looked down for a second. Wanting to pretend as if he would never marry a man, he giggled. When he lifted his head, James was rasing his left eyebrow. Before, James suspected James was always dating some female in order to "cover-up" the fact that he was attracted to men, but he was now certain John was afraid to be "out"; there was no doubt it was because of what happened between them. He felt horrible. 

John pretended as if he didn't see James's reaction, but he did. John wondered if James was judging him for repressing hie bisexuality. "Yes," he thought to himself, "he definitely is. How ironic;" he was finally sure he knew how James felt. There was no doubt that the comment annoyed him a bit, but the past was in the past, and he was no longer with James; he didn't allow the comment to bother him - at least on a conscious level - at least not until after the divorce.

"No - her name is Mary. We met at work."

John told James that, of course, he was invited to the wedding, and James told John that, of course, he would come.

The conversation seemed as if it were being conducted by two, straight men who were never romantically involved in the past. Yet, John knew telling James the news was a big deal. Considering John knew James had finally realized he was best off alone, he knew he no longer was in love with him. However, news of the marriage forced James to kill any hope for romantic reconciliation. In a way, this felt good; he just wanted John to be happy, and he hoped his future wife would give John everything he couldn't.


	7. Chapter 7

Three weeks after John's wedding, Sherlock received a call from James. James said he wanted to come by to talk. Sherlock just assumed James was contacting him to give him a case. He was excited; such a case could involved high smounts of danger.

But that wasn't why he came. After he arrived at 221B Baker Street, Sherlock offered him a chair. They exchanged the standard "how are yous"; nothing was new with Sherlock, and James was healing nicely after the stabbing.

He then took a deep breath. Wasting no time, he began the speech he rehearsed in his head. "Listen," he said, leaning forward, almost putting his arms on his legs. "You're brilliant. There's no doubt you can observe more than me, but I'm also very observant. We are both very observant men. I guess John likes that for some reason."

Sherlock raised an eyebrow. James rolled his eyes, indicating, "You know that I know."

"I don't love him anymore. I had to move on. I broke it off fifteen years ago. But I know John Watson; we were in love. I know what John Watson looks like when he's in love, and he loves you. More than he loved me."

"You may pretend to be socially aloof. No. I know you do. You pretend like you can't read people who matter to you. You deny they care. And it's okay. I generally understand. People come and go, and you can't become attached. But John's an exception. He might be with her now, but I know it won't last. You know, too. Don't deny it. He'll come back, and he won't leave you - so when it ends, don't fuck it up. For your sake. And for mine."

Sherlock listened as James told him about his mistake.


End file.
